I can't make up my mind.

Bullying is kinda hot right now. A thing that a lot of us have been through (some from both sides) is now being talked about in a sympathetic way, when it did not used to be. It's hard to understand bullying when it's not a mean kid at school who hits you. It seems to me that when someone has power over you and abuses it, that's bullying. Except I am still not sure.

I've experienced a particular thing that hurt a lot in the past several years where a couple of people in positions of power have used it to advance themselves, and had to throw me under the bus to do it. Is that bullying? Maybe. Am I just a crybaby who didn't get what I want? Also maybe. Can it be both? I think so. I know that I was raised to be tough and resilient, and I am, but I was also knocked around in ways I wish I hadn't been, by life and by people who I thought were on my side.

Since the bullying has given me the tough and the resilient, I kind of appreciate it. The recent bullies have torn me down in various ways and I went with that for a while, and this has helped me. In a couple of situations it has greatly clarified what's important (friends and drawing closer to God) and what isn't (being affirmed by someone who isn't ever going to do that).

I wrote this lyric a while back and felt shy about it. This might be the worst impact of bullying; it makes us feel that it's our fault, or that we invited whatever is happening. It always makes me feel that the rest of the world is enjoying respect and harmony and that I'm the only one who seems to invite the opposite.

For all the wrong reasons, I finally got this song done and I'm so happy I did. I found someone to sing it who I admire; I'm her fan and hope to co-write with her. It's also kind of broken the seal on the more personal, confessional songs that used to be my main thing. It's all about letting my freak flag fly again, I guess.

Anyway, this song. I love how it turned out.


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